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“No, Max, Alice is your Grandfather!”

By Rand Bishop

“I’m gonna be a grandfather.” No pronouncement has a bigger “Awwww” factor. These five words deliver an absolute guarantee of warm, sincere hugs — often from perfect strangers. However, this exact declaration, nearly always spoken with smug pride and joy, can also convey a less-than-jubilant sentiment.

Introducing a contrary brand of baby-boomer granddad: the “Reluctant (Peter Pan) Grandpa.” According to Grandparents.com, this cat clings to his vanishing youth with all ten claws, insists that his grandkids call him by his first name, smells of Axe Body Spray, plays Guitar Hero, camps out at Bonnaroo, adores Vegas, and only visits his children’s offspring on major holidays.

Now, let’s imagine Reluctant Gramps as a real-life guitar hero, the rocker who actually struts across arena stages, bare-chested, pierced and tattooed, screeching lyrics of teenage defiance over power guitars and monster drums. This arrested adolescent’s entire self- and public image depends on maintaining his sexually charged, bad-boy mystique. Who could blame him for dragging his grampa shoes?

The press can be brutally unkind to those whom Reuters unaffectionately coined “wrinkly rockers.” Wrote German critic Sebastian Gierke of a “farcical” Ozzy Osbourne concert: “He kept screaming ‘I can’t f—ing hear you!’ over and over again. You felt like shouting back, ‘Buy a —damn hearing aid and maybe you’ll realize you’re singing everything off key.” Ouch!

A middle-aged rock star parading his kids’ kids around publicly could spell a career death wish. Google “Grandpa Rockers” and you’ll get more links to Amish furniture makers than articles on hard-rockin’ granddaddies — even with an ever-growing contingent of still-creative, 50- and 60-something rockers, from Petty to Bon Jovi, Springsteen to Tyler.

Alice Cooper and longtime spouse Sheryl Goddard have two grown children and one just about to flee the nest. However, the long-in-the-tooth shock-rocker’s Wikipedia “personal life” mentions nothing whatsoever about grandkids. Whether the macabre metal maven is a granddad yet or not, I can’t help but imagine a typical Thanksgiving at the Coopers’: “No, Max,” eldest daughter Calico corrects her confused toddler, “Alice is your grandfather!”

About the Author

Rand Bishop is a Grammy Nominated, BMI Award-winning songwriter, and the author of Grand Pop, a darkly comic novel/mock-memoir written from the point of view a fictional, reluctant-grandpa/rock star (Eloquent Books, 2010, ISBN 978-1-60860-629-0). Other Bishop books include Makin’ Stuff Up, “a songwriting course wrapped in a memoir” (Weightless Cargo Press, 2008, ISBN 978-0-61523-165-5) and the forthcoming Absolute Essentials of Songwriting Success (Alfred Publishing, 2010). A former major-label recording artist himself, Bishop’s son Dustin will make him a first-time grandfather in November, 2010. For information go to: http://www.randbishop.com